How You Make Me Feel: Meer Campbell
by Roxie Zephyr Jocelyn
Summary: The second fic in the HYMMF Series. The pairing: Athrun x Meer. She lost her identity to gain a life. She lost her life to gain an identity. As she abandons the world, Meer remembers a love that she will treasure for all eternity...


A/N: This fic takes place as Meer lays dying from a bullet wound she took in Lacus' place. It is done in Meer's POV as darkness stalks her conscious and her last thoughts turn to her life as Lacus Clyne and a love she would treasure for eternity, Athrun Zala. As usual, the characters of Gundam Seed and Gundam Seed Destiny do not belong to me but to their esteemed creator. ENJOY!

Info:

-sama – a Japanese honorific for a very important person.

How You Make Me Feel: Meer Campbell

Most people would consider it weird that as the seductive Death Reaper envelopes me in his eternal embrace, all I can see is green instead of black. But, I find it only fitting. After all, green had always been my favourite colour. At least, it had been Meer's favourite colour, the me that hid behind the mask of the pink princess Lacus Clyne. My favourite dresses were green, all shades of the gorgeous colour from bright sea-blue green to the darkest green of the forest leaves in summertime. Even my lucky notebook, the one where all my songs were written, was green, decorated in light green sparkles. But, above all, your eyes were green, the softest and most expressive shade I had ever seen.

It is truly ironic that in my life, I had convinced myself that I was Lacus Clyne. Yet, on the brink of death, I can only think of that life as a mask, a mask which hid my face from the world though it didn't hide the real me. I wonder if you realized, how much of the girl you had known to be the fake Lacus was actually Meer, my vivacious reactions to the composure of Lacus-sama or my unconscious nervous quirks that were never present in the poise of my idol. But thinking back, I think that you not only realized but you knew, of the self-conscious girl behind the confident woman, the unsure and doubtful amateur behind the experienced and tranquil professional. Because, how else could you have saved me from losing myself? How else could you have reminded me that I was Meer Campbell not Lacus Clyne?

I was eager, so eager to take my new place in the world. Dullindal-sama had praised me for my exceptional singing and my convincing performance. I, a normal middle-class girl of average abilities. I, who never stood out amongst my friends. I, who could not even convince myself that I was ready for adulthood. Dullindal-sama had noticed me and commended me on the only talent I had: my voice. He had chosen me, a nobody, to become an idol admired by everyone on earth and in PLANTs. He had chosen me to lead the world into a new future, a new tomorrow. With my voice, I would be convincing a desolate people to rejoice, a destroyed nation to heal, a dying world to live. And, the best part was, I would not have the self-doubts and weakness of Meer Campbell to drag me down. I was to become Lacus Clyne, the confident, elegant and beautiful woman – the same woman who was the role model in my life. I had embraced my new role so fully that I had not even been aware of how I had been killing my real self. I was no longer playing the part. I was becoming the part. But, did it really matter? As Meer, I had nothing, nobody. As Lacus Clyne, I had fame and fortune. I had the world.

I had you.

Even when I didn't know you, I saw you as my Prince Charming, my knight in shining armour. Just as Lacus-sama was perfect, she had a perfect life and in my eyes, a perfect fiancé. I spent a whole day learning about you, cooing over the pictures of your academy days, sighing over the pictures of you during your military training and wondering about the missing pictures of you after your time serving as a ZAFT elite. It was then that I learnt, of the role you played in the fateful Yakin Due battle that ended the war. But, more importantly, I learnt of your life as Alex Dino. Surprised? Dullindal-sama made sure that I knew everything about you, even your pretense as the bodyguard to the Princess of ORB. That little bit of information came as a surprise to me. Frankly, it stunned me that someone like you, of your importance, of your stature, would hide yourself from the world. You were Athrun Zala, only son of the ex-Chairman, Patrick Zala, who turned against your own father to save the peace between the Coordinators and the Naturals. You were a red coat in ZAFT, having graduated top of the ZAFT military academy. You were the most eligible bachelor of my age. And, you hid away, running from the people who admired you, dwindling into a shadow. I had often wondered why you did that. Unlike me, you had everything. Your looks turned heads, whether it was because you were extremely exotically gorgeous or because you were recognized. Your name was passed from lip to lip, whispered upon the breeze in admiration. You were a legend amongst your people. You were not me.

I envied you, for your incredible exploits, for your immense influence over the people even when you were absent from our midst. I think Dullindal-sama wanted me to learn from you, to take a leaf from your books, giving me access to the most confidential files on you. You were everything he wanted me to be. You were everything I wanted to be. You were accepted, admired and loved for who you were. But, I still felt an instant connection with you. That single emotion overrode everything else I felt about you. You were my kindred spirit. You were hiding behind a mask, maybe not for the same reasons as me, but you had felt the need to hide nonetheless. You wouldn't think that I was a weakling, a coward. You would understand. You were so strong yet even you could not stand to be yourself. It was a choice you made. It was a choice I made.

It was Mr. Red that led me to you. Or at least, you to me. My eyes were as stunned as yours as I caught sight of you from across the hall. It was unexpected, very much so. My breath hitched. You were so much more than I had imagined. You were younger than I thought you would be yet so mature with an aura of stillness that dogged your every step even in your apparent surprise. Apart of me melted completely. I felt like the luckiest girl alive. You were one of the most gorgeous boys I had ever seen. And, you were mine.

But, then you called out her name, Lacus Clyne. Maybe my eyes dimmed a little, my happiness dampened. You were Lacus' fiancé, not mine, never mine. Not wanting to contemplate the sudden confusing feelings that welled up inside me, I focused only on my excitement at finally meeting you, my anticipation bursting forth in an exuberant fountain of happiness. Thinking back now, that was fully me, the young middle-class girl who had finally got the chance to meet a famous idol. My slightly over enthusiastic greeting as I flung myself on you must've given you quite a shock. But, I pulled myself together. You were the one who knew Lacus Clyne best. It was you I had to convince before I could convince the world. I never realized it then, but something broke in me. It was a pang of sudden loss but so dim compared to my overwhelming grief in the face of my parents' deaths that I dismissed it. After all, how could I lose what I never had?

I never had your love. It was never mine to have. But, with every meeting, with every gentle word, with every compassionate look, I had something else, some worth so much more – I had your friendship. I, Meer, and not the fake Lacus, had your friendship. It took me a while to realize this and appreciate the gift you were so generously giving and I fear that even until the end, I could not fully comprehend how precious that gift was. Initially, I was a tad hurt and more than a little frustrated at your seemingly stubborn inability to accept me as Lacus Clyne. I would embrace you lovingly but you would push me away. I never realized how your hands would always stay on my shoulders in comforting support. I climbed into your bed but you fell out of bed, agitated and desperate only to get away from me. I never realized how your eyes would glare at me heatedly, not in rejection, but in a silent reproach of how short I had sold myself. I sang as entrancing as Lacus would have but while everyone sung my praises, you only awkwardly threw me an off-hand compliment. I never realized how your awkwardness stemmed from being unable to praise me as Meer. I was always frustrated on how you seemed unable to accept that I was Lacus Clyne. I never realized how that had been my saving grace. You were honest, so incredibly and sincerely so in your every action, your every rejection of my romantic advances. In your confusion, you cleared my blinded perceptions. Because every time you looked at me in bewilderment and a hint of reproach, every time you redrew the line I had crossed, you reminded me that I was not Lacus Clyne.

I was Meer Campbell.

And, maybe that was why I fell in love with you.

I don't think that I had ever thanked you for that night, that stormy night when I had shown you those incriminating photographs, that tumultuous night when you had been hunted and chased like a common criminal. I don't think I had ever thanked you, I don't think that I ever will. Not because I don't want to but because I would never know how. You were being hunted. You were being chased. Yet, you came back for me. You came back for me and I have no doubt that it could have cost you your life. You remembered me even as you feared for your own safety. You held out your hand, reaching to me, offering me a way out, even as you were trying to escape their clutches. But, I never took it. Faced with such a sudden twist, I simply could not comprehend leaving ZAFT just as you did. In a moment of turmoil, insanity screaming, drowning out any rational thought, I could only watched through clouded eyes as you begged and pleaded, as you desperately tried to save me from myself. But, you had someone to return to. You had them. Who did I have? No one.

I was needed as Lacus Clyne, even if I was the fake. Meer Campbell was never needed. If I turned back now, I would have no one to turn to, no where to go. I would be lost, left to flounder with nothing to hold on to. You were returning home. I would've been flung into a never ending abyss from which I could never escape. Never had my weakness hit me as hard as it did then. I didn't want to lose you. Yet, I didn't want to lose what I had already gained, a new identity, new confidence, the chance to make a change in the world, a chance I never had. This was security to me. I was needed. I was NEEDED. And, I was terrified to lose that. I was terrified to let go. That was why I didn't take your hand. To follow you would be to admit that I had been living a lie, acting a part. To follow you would have been to become the self-conscious, shy, average Meer Campbell. I would go from having the world to having nothing. Pain and grief swamped me, the loss of my family hitting me harder than ever. As I struggled to contain my emotions, I found that I didn't know how. I clung frantically to my new identity as Lacus Clyne. Without that mask, I simply didn't know how to deal. How did Meer deal with it? To my horror, I didn't know, I had completely lost touch with Meer. She was a stranger to me. How could you expect me to abandon familiarity for the unknown? No. NO! I was Lacus Clyne. This was where I belonged. I chose to become her. Meer Campbell was no more.

Frustrated, nerves frayed by the stress of escaping, you eventually gave up, turning away from me. But, I saw something in you that night that pierced me to the soul. Your eyes, darkened by emotion, met mine briefly before you left. Those orbs showed no pity, only compassion, sadness and understanding. You saw so clearly then what I had not realized. I didn't realize that the very moment I had chosen to stay, I had lost the one thing that meant more than anything anyone could offer – myself. I never realized that I had gained nothing because everything that I had gained with the mask I wore was nothing compared to my own identity. I never realized that eventually the real Lacus would come back to claim her life and what about me, the pretender? I never realized that by rejecting you that night, I had rejected myself. I had cut any and all ties that could ground me. I was beginning to drown.

But, I could not forget you. Where I had been extremely glad to simply accept my new identity without question, you had roused doubts in me, on my choices and my life. And the more I thought about it, the more I wondered, the more doubtful I became. You and I were so similar in so many ways. Circumstance had forced us both to forsake our old identities and take on new ones, to wear strange masks that hid who we truly were. I had accepted my fate even embraced it. But you couldn't accept yours. Even as you fought for a new cause, your old beliefs fought inside you. Even as you struggled to become the person Dullindal-sama wanted, the person you were before the war struggled to be free. You played the part of a perfect commander, an elite FAITH soldier, even as you strove to be more than a faceless warrior. And eventually, you did break free. That rainy night under a silver curtain of rain, I saw more of you than I had seen in all my meetings with you. I saw the courageous young man and the terrified boy. I saw the distant commander and the compassionate friend. I saw someone who was seemingly weak yet had the strength in face of adversity that would break even the strongest warrior. I saw Athrun Zala.

That was why I had so eagerly agreed to become the bait in Dullindal-sama's plans. I wanted to see you again so badly. When your familiar green eyes met mine, I had rushed towards you, acting as if I was only greeting you when you had come back from a long journey. But, when you pointed your gun at me, it struck me that everything had changed. I should have been scared, terrified. I was your enemy, one whom you would not hesitate to kill. Yet, when I looked into your eyes, I saw only the Athrun Zala I had had a chance to glimpse, a lingering look of empathy, guilt, longing. You pleaded with me to join you. You wanted me. You wanted Meer Campbell. And, for a split second, I wanted to go to you. For you, I wanted to be me, the true me.

But then, I saw her – luscious pink hair, gentle blue eyes, beauty personified. My breath hitched and my heart stopped. It was Lacus Clyne! How different she and I were. Where I was a bouncy person of exuberant energy, she was a tranquil beauty that radiated confidence. Where I was quirky and more than a little awkward, always attention seeking, she was composed, poised and attention grabbing even when she wanted to remain hidden. The differences were the last straw. It struck me like a lightning bolt. I was not Lacus Clyne.

Then, came the whirlwind, the void of madness. The moment my mask shattered, I had nothing. Fear overwhelmed me, terror burned in my very veins. I teetered on the edge. It had been so long since I had been myself that there was nothing left of the real me. I had forgotten how to be Meer Campbell. Denial struck me and I screamed. I was a nameless person. I was a nobody. I was unneeded. I was unwanted.

No!

No! I was Lacus Clyne!

You called my name. Suddenly, the madness stilled, the twister of my emotions calmed. I looked at you and saw in your eyes only the want to rescue me, to save me, to liberate me. And then, I realized. I had never been Lacus Clyne to you. I had always been Meer Campbell. You held out your hand and I saw it, the one way I had to connect with the stranger that was Meer. I hesitated. Was I ready to go back to the way I was, especially now when I knew even less about my true self than I ever had to begin with?

My heart fluttered and I knew. Yes, I was ready. Because there was already one thing I knew very well about Meer.

Meer Campbell was in love with you.

But, it was never meant to be was it?

Sometimes I wonder, what would have happened to me if I had chosen to take your hand that night. Would I have still lost myself? Or would I have gained the strength to start a new life as you had? Would I have accepted myself and grown to love myself as you had grown to realize how important you were to the people around you? Would I have been there to become a person who was important to you?

Would you have grown to love me as Meer Campbell?

I guess only time would tell. Yet, time is the very thing I no longer have. Taken for granted, I now treasure every precious second that ticks by, every moment that darkness stalks closer. The bullet that first felt fierily hot within me was now cooling, along with my blood. With my fading strength I reach into my bag withdrawing a flimsy piece of paper, a photograph of me, the last one I had never burnt, of me as Meer Campbell. With my fading breaths, I could only plead to Lacus-sama of my final wish: to not be forgotten. I wanted the world to remember me, to seek my words, to hear my voice, to see me, Meer Campbell not Lacus Clyne. I wanted the world to remember me.

I wanted you to remember me.

But, you will, won't you? After all, you had seen beyond the pink hair and blue eyes. You had seen beyond the practiced flair and pretense of a smile. You had seen me when nobody else had. You had seen me when even I had lost sight of myself. Even if you forgot me, I would fade from your memory, not as a fake pink haired princess, but as the girl who was too scared to be herself.

And, that's why I love you.

I love you Athrun Zala…

…not only for the man you are…

…but because of the way you make me feel…

…free to be myself, wanted and needed as the true me…

…only you.


End file.
